I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
