watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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