She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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