yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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