Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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