Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later