Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
