He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
