chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
