During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Found your dick twin last night
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If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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