i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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