Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
