Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
