Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
