saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
