I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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