i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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