he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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