even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
not ubering you a puppy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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