I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
