I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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