The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
