I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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