My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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