When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
