You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
