If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
