if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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