Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Never joke about your clitoris.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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