now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
