Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
