I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
