I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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