I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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