So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
