For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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