Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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