so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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