every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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