Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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