all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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