My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
