Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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