new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
