i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
