New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
