my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
