turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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