I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
