Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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