If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
