dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
