I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
