my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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