halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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