so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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