Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
