i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
