my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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